ya well....

i read a blog today about Joel Osteens new book, Make Every Day a Friday....or something like that. Then I read an excerpt from his book Your Best Life Now. He is such an amazing example of taking truth and tweaking it, changing the entire direction of his "godly" advice and pointing it in a completely wrong path down the road of deception.

He talks alot about having the expectant mind set. We are to have a large vision and be expectant for finiacial and all other blessings. I think we should be expectant, pray expectantly, but our promise from God isnt comfort and riches which is basically what Osteen says. Our best life isnt now because we have money and things.

Ive been listening to a pod cast on the song of solomon and I have claimed a new purpose for my life. My life goal every day is to mature in love for God and love for others. I see alot of my stumblings as immaturity in my love for God, not as inauthentic desire to follow Him. I am daily reminding myself that I do love God and my desire for Him, to please Him is real even though it may be weak. I am trying and I am human so many times what I see as  a pathetic attempt God sees as something that brings Him emmense joy. As I read that I dont quite believe it.....I will re-read it unitl it sinks in....

I was laying in bed last night having a weird trip. I was like, where am I? What am I doing here? Did the race really happen? I just told myself that I may not know where I am, and nothing is familiar, but God is here and I know Him. just strange. I really do like it in San Fran, there is so much to do and see and experience but I am afraid of committment. If I get a job am I willing to stay here for at least 2 years? I mean honestly, why not? I have nowhere else to go. There isnt some magical place that exists where if I choose to stay there all of my wildest dreams will come true. I want to work towards something with my life. I dont want money to drive my life but its a reality. 

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO.

30 minutes later......

Basically I have this weird urgency (I guess thats a nice way of saying Im impatient) to do what I want to now. But this leaves out the down time with work, "mundane" day to day life, spending time not doing exactly what I want. I need to remember that this "mundane" part of life most definitely doesnt have to be boring and it gives me loads of preparation time to grow in character and love and ready me for the time in my life when the things I truly want to do will be what I am doing. NO time is a waste. Ya.

this is where i am at...

Well Ive been living in San Fran for about 2 weeks now and its going well. I am just sort of living life un directioned, just making it. I have an awesome place to live, i have had 3 interviews for jobs in the past 3 days and find out tomorrow what is going to happen. Man its hard to decide what to do with your life. There is such an abundance of avenues to go down, how do you know which one you want most? I am learning loads. I am learning to just let myself experience life without a plan and wow, I am actually pretty competent. I am not trying to sound prideful by any means but when i am on these interviews sometimes i am shocked with my answeres and my competency. I didnt know these things were in me and it is a pleasure to realize that they exist, that my experiences are paying off. Its is a blessing to see the purpose of your past experiences.
Of course I could be better at a lot of things, but when is that not truth? I am overwhelmed at my blessings and am just trying to ride the ride and enjoy it. I wake up every day and think to myself, why am I doing this? I really like it out here but it definitely is taking energy. but its good stuff.

I read a poem from a brennan manning book and it is this,

Father, because I am loved
and I love
I dont have to
explain myself to you.
I dont have to
excuse myself to you.
I dont have to
abase myself before you.
You know all about me,
and you call me friend.
You call me your delight.
You call me your beloved.

Because I am loved and I love
I need not lie prostrate
on my face before you.
I am free to run
into the circle of your waiting arms,
to enter the fullness of your embrace,
to be held
safely
strongly
securely
against your heart.

Because I am loved and I love,
I dont have to worry
about my response or lack of it.
I dont have to struggle
with my desire to understand.
I dont have to wrestle
with my feelings of unworthiness
All I have to do is be still,
stay close and let you love me into wholeness.

Father, sometimes its the hardest thing in the world
just to be still, stay close and let you love me.
But because I am loved and I love,
I try.

Her I am, Father.
Still, for once.
Closer than Ive ever been
Waiting.
Accepting.
Wanting.
Love me, Father.