just like child bearing....or so ive heard....

I just read a fellow racers blog and it said that spiritual growth is like child bearing. It is so hard when you go through it but when you get to the other side, you dont remember it and you only see the good, the product of all that struggle. I caught myself looking at the race routes in the future and thinking, man that would be cool to go on that one...then quickly saying NO WAY! haha

but its true. Sometimes I forget all the difficulty of the trip and remember how close to God I was and the strength of the community I was in. I miss the steep learning curve that I was basically climbing everyday. I look around my room and think to myself, man my life was different a few months ago. My priorities were different, my focus was different. I have been struggling a lot these past few weeks and find myself wishing it would just get easier. I feel like I havent ended my trip!

Its so hard to remember to stay focused on the good of the challenges when you are in them. They physically hurt and are emotionally exhausting and you think to yourself, how on earth could this be a good thing? But the truth is, the minute you are on the other side of the challenge, you forget the pain and are filled with joy and refreshment. Then ironically when you are in that good place for  awhile, you wonder to yourself, why is there no challenge? Where's the struggle? Am I doing something wrong!?

Honestly, the only remedy for this grass is always greener on the other side of the circle is living for today. I heard a quote say that yesterday is dead and tomorrow has not been born yet. You are in today and all you can do is make today come alive.

I was reading a book about a refugee from Sudan and about all his struggles beyond our imagination and in his forward he says, "This book is a form of struggle, and it keeps my spirit alive to struggle." Without these challenges in our lives, our days turn on auto pilot and we begin to coast. We begin to become expectant and entitled. Too much ease makes Rachel a dull girl.

So after re-reading my depressing past blog about failure (clearly in the trenches of a pit), I renounce that failure. I have not failed. Measuring this experience on a scale of success and failure is completely wrong.  I did what I felt I was supposed to do, and I am continuing to do today what I feel I should do. No more plans, just today. I am making today come alive and  am looking for provision for this day only. Thank you Jesus for making it that easy.

I miss Africa

I miss Africa.
I miss the simplicity of that place.
I miss fitting in with dirty, hole-y clothing.
I miss not caring what my hair looks like,
not caring who the actress is dating,
how fat I am.
I miss living day to day finding my own entertainment.
I miss the diet of rice and beans.
I miss fresh fruit from trees.
I miss not having money to deal with.
I miss sitting down with my neighbor,
making friends with strangers,
the red dirt.
I miss the simple life,
no front, no impressing, just the essentials.

I miss the blind acceptance.
the curiosity of strangers,
the friendly hellos.
I miss the realism of issues,
no beating around the bush, in the bush.
I miss the worship,
the urgency, the need,
the desperation.
I miss the faith.
I miss the day to day living.
I miss the trust.

I miss the simplicity that I found,
and have seemed to have lost.

one day i will look back on this....

So I am sitting here in my un furnished room on a friday night. I just paid for my car to be fixed and my rent for the month and my account is about on empty. I have been here in San Francisco for about a month and though Ive had some temporary work, no long term job has stuck. I am giving myself 2 more weeks to find something and then I have to make a change. I really dont want to but there will be nothing I can do about it.

I really want to stay up here and feel like this city is my home but if I cant find a way to support myself then I will have to leave. I truly believe that the Lord doesnt need to provide unitl He needs to. I dont mind being poor and struggling, I just want to make it in the end. And I have a confidence that in the end I will. Is that because everything else has worked out for me? What happens if it doesnt? I really dont know.

I hear alot of friends tell me that one day I will look back at these days of struggle and remember and maybe even laugh at the situation. I think that will happen eventually and I am at peace with whatever will happen, I am just depressed that there isnt really anything I can do about it. It sucks just to be stagnant and wait for whatever to happen to you, the passivity sucks. One needs to feel productive and purposeful and if you dont have that purpose, what do you have really?

It really sucks to transition into the real world. And when you see others ease into so easily its also frustrating. So all I can do is think, what can I learn from my situation? Ive always had things come rather easily to me (not to say that i am spoiled or have things handed to me) but I am used to getting what I try for. I am able to make happen things in my life and I am willing to work for them. What happens when you work for something with all of yourself and nothing comes of it? I guess you could call that failure. And what happens when there is nothing to learn from the situation? You meet failure at the bottom of the pit. You sit and it keeps you company. You chalk it up to alright, I tried my best and i am glad i tried because if i didnt, I would have always wondered, What if?

So what now? how do you swallow failure? Where do you go next? and how do you sit with it, without self medicating with alcohol, food, tv, sleep or anything else that distracts you?

i dont know.