Today is my birthday. It is a quiet day and I am doing everything I love to do. Writing, Barnes and Noble, Sunset Harbor House cheese fries. No crazy parties, birthday extravaganzas or crowds to walk through. I cried for the first time yesterday since Ive been back basically and I feel like I am being lifted out of this confusing fog.
How did I do it? By surrounding myself in worship music, accepting my emotions and uniqueness and redirecting my desires.
Thank you Lord for the moments when we begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
My new years resolutions for being 26:
Accept surprises
Respect what I desire
stay active
cry
try and fail and be okay
never watch real housewives
stay on the front lines
not let the world dictate how i live
thats all i got.
I am just so relieved to take off these ill fitting shoes and shop for the ones made for me :)
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Monday, July 18, 2011
Need Shmeed....
Ive been at a loss lately about why my relationship with God is feeling like its laying in ruins. I see the rubble and know that I need to start rebuilding, to put the hammer down but for some reason its too hard these days. So I continue to keep knocking things down because its easier to do that than it is to asses the damage and rebuild. A perfect example is my room. Its been messy for weeks but I havent stopped to clean it. I pick up a few things and then walk over the rest. Just going in there with the thought of having to clean it all up makes me anxious.
I guess I have come to realize that I have completely forgotten my need for God. When you forget your need for Him, you forget everything else. Domino effect. If I dont need Him, I dont talk to Him, read about Him, pray to Him or seek His counsel. I begin to forget His goodness, forget who I am in Him, and He becomes this strange distant figure. Then I start to forget the reason I ever believed in Him to begin with. People dont turn away from God in a day, its a slow process full of many choices and you wake up one day on this strange path and realize you are lost.
I feel like I wake up in this lost place a lot faster than I used to, my pits dont go quite as deep but I am very aware of the shovel I have tightly clasped in my hands ready to use. I feel like Ive woken up now and I am just paralyzed looking around. I feel tired and the path back towards God is up a cliff and the path of my own control is a fun slide with no friction.
I realize when I give up and let God come in, accepting His grace and help (it makes me cringe to even write this) this image of the cliff is a mirage. Its lie to keep me paralyzed and stagnant. With God, I am carried up the cliff, the only hard part is becoming vulnerable enough to let Him hold me. When I stare at the cliff and begin to plan all the things I am going to change in my life and resolutions I want to make to ensure I become this perfect controlled person, the cliff is no longer a mirage but a reality. That is a difficult path to choose and I smell burn out already and I havent even begun. Which brings me back to Need. Once I take a knife to my pride and accept that I cant do this alone, that I need help to even move an inch and throw away this goal I have for my future self as a cookie cutter perfectly composed righteous person if only I work hard enough, I think renewing can begin.
Romans 12:2
...be transformed by the renewing of your mind...
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I guess I have come to realize that I have completely forgotten my need for God. When you forget your need for Him, you forget everything else. Domino effect. If I dont need Him, I dont talk to Him, read about Him, pray to Him or seek His counsel. I begin to forget His goodness, forget who I am in Him, and He becomes this strange distant figure. Then I start to forget the reason I ever believed in Him to begin with. People dont turn away from God in a day, its a slow process full of many choices and you wake up one day on this strange path and realize you are lost.
I feel like I wake up in this lost place a lot faster than I used to, my pits dont go quite as deep but I am very aware of the shovel I have tightly clasped in my hands ready to use. I feel like Ive woken up now and I am just paralyzed looking around. I feel tired and the path back towards God is up a cliff and the path of my own control is a fun slide with no friction.
I realize when I give up and let God come in, accepting His grace and help (it makes me cringe to even write this) this image of the cliff is a mirage. Its lie to keep me paralyzed and stagnant. With God, I am carried up the cliff, the only hard part is becoming vulnerable enough to let Him hold me. When I stare at the cliff and begin to plan all the things I am going to change in my life and resolutions I want to make to ensure I become this perfect controlled person, the cliff is no longer a mirage but a reality. That is a difficult path to choose and I smell burn out already and I havent even begun. Which brings me back to Need. Once I take a knife to my pride and accept that I cant do this alone, that I need help to even move an inch and throw away this goal I have for my future self as a cookie cutter perfectly composed righteous person if only I work hard enough, I think renewing can begin.
Romans 12:2
...be transformed by the renewing of your mind...
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Limbo
I am in complete limbo. I am right at the joint of different stories in my life, just floundering a bit like a fish out of water. About a year ago, as I was entering into my trip, I heard someone explain it in a way I can still remember. He said its like jumping into an ocean of water and re-learning how to breathe. I really could relate that to what I was going through, all the new things I was experiencing. But again?? What is this new ocean made out of? Something I struggle with is having to deal with the same issues over and over again in my life. I feel like if Ive overcome them once, why are we dealing with it again? I picked up my life and moved it before and it ended up beautiful, why is it difficult once again?
I have trouble being too hard on myself as well, Im working on it :)
I have also finally been able to articulate a little more about what I am going through. I had a friend ask me the other day, what are your passions? A simple question for some, I didnt have much of an answer. I HAD these passions that I now realize came to define me. They became my comfort and my go to for my lifes purpose. Some of these things include missions, traveling, kids, outreach, whatever. Now when I think of these things I just become instantly exhausted. And that is fine since I just spent the past year engaged in all these things every day, but what now? If those arent my passions and drive, then what is? It makes that joint between life chapters difficult to come out of because I have no next chapter to push myself into. This in turn makes my next chapter more of a risk. It isnt calculated because I really have no idea what to expect, no months and months of analyzing and making sure its what I really want to do.
My friend also said to me, "It will be neat to see where God meets you in your journey." Ive almost completely forgotten that God is there on this path with me. I sit and try and ready myself for the worst case scenario, already accepting in my mind the scraps of life. But honestly, I dont believe there is a worst case scenario with God. You are only given the scenario that you were made for.
Life is scary, life is hard, life is good.
Just call me Flounder :)
I have trouble being too hard on myself as well, Im working on it :)
I have also finally been able to articulate a little more about what I am going through. I had a friend ask me the other day, what are your passions? A simple question for some, I didnt have much of an answer. I HAD these passions that I now realize came to define me. They became my comfort and my go to for my lifes purpose. Some of these things include missions, traveling, kids, outreach, whatever. Now when I think of these things I just become instantly exhausted. And that is fine since I just spent the past year engaged in all these things every day, but what now? If those arent my passions and drive, then what is? It makes that joint between life chapters difficult to come out of because I have no next chapter to push myself into. This in turn makes my next chapter more of a risk. It isnt calculated because I really have no idea what to expect, no months and months of analyzing and making sure its what I really want to do.
My friend also said to me, "It will be neat to see where God meets you in your journey." Ive almost completely forgotten that God is there on this path with me. I sit and try and ready myself for the worst case scenario, already accepting in my mind the scraps of life. But honestly, I dont believe there is a worst case scenario with God. You are only given the scenario that you were made for.
Life is scary, life is hard, life is good.
Just call me Flounder :)
Saturday, July 9, 2011
What now?
why does everything seem to end up ridiculously complicated? You need to make a simple decision and it turns into a monumental moment that determines your lifes directon!! Ugh, i hate making decisions. I hate picking directions, sticking to a path of my choosing. I am all for following things that fall into my lap. Then if they dont work out, it wasnt because of my poor choice or whatever. Im not good at committing to the unkown, i thought i was but...no. I realize i have so much trouble doing something without a reason. I mean i guess that can be good right? Its good to take time to think about your decisions, i can see how it cuts a lot of stress out of life. but i am sick of being calculated.
Ive only made big life decisions for a reason. Join a program, go to school, move my life but for a reason. I am about to jump off the ledge and do something without a reason. I mean for the most part i am going because there are more jobs in the next destination, but other than that, i am just going to go. and that makes me nervous. I have traveled to a lot of places and i am always looking for that place, the one where my foot hits the pavement and then the music starts and the slow motion picture begins. It hasnt happened yet, or maybe it has. I feel like this about San Francisco. ive been there before and i really didnt like it. then i traveled around the world and came back and it was completely different. it felt like home, like i didnt want to leave.
But i have no reason to go. Do i really need one? I feel like for the first time in my life, at 25/6 i am going to have my own real life. Ive moved bunches of times but this feels different. Going to just go and making it is different. And what does God think about this? Ya, i have no idea. I have heard so many mixed things about waiting for God. I do think we should wait for his leading but what if we dont feel anything? Well I dont so I am just making this decision and praying that this path becomes His will for me. Is that wrong? I dont know. It really makes everything that much more confusing....and a whole lot more frustrating. Some people may see me as a risk taker, but ive never really felt like one, until now. talk about walking blindly off the edge and seeing where you land. its scary and crazy and could go either way, but i think it will be great......
Ive only made big life decisions for a reason. Join a program, go to school, move my life but for a reason. I am about to jump off the ledge and do something without a reason. I mean for the most part i am going because there are more jobs in the next destination, but other than that, i am just going to go. and that makes me nervous. I have traveled to a lot of places and i am always looking for that place, the one where my foot hits the pavement and then the music starts and the slow motion picture begins. It hasnt happened yet, or maybe it has. I feel like this about San Francisco. ive been there before and i really didnt like it. then i traveled around the world and came back and it was completely different. it felt like home, like i didnt want to leave.
But i have no reason to go. Do i really need one? I feel like for the first time in my life, at 25/6 i am going to have my own real life. Ive moved bunches of times but this feels different. Going to just go and making it is different. And what does God think about this? Ya, i have no idea. I have heard so many mixed things about waiting for God. I do think we should wait for his leading but what if we dont feel anything? Well I dont so I am just making this decision and praying that this path becomes His will for me. Is that wrong? I dont know. It really makes everything that much more confusing....and a whole lot more frustrating. Some people may see me as a risk taker, but ive never really felt like one, until now. talk about walking blindly off the edge and seeing where you land. its scary and crazy and could go either way, but i think it will be great......
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