So I used to asses my closeness with God with how much I wrote. Its just the best way I process things that are happening and it reflects the amount of time I am spending with Him. I guess that now I am working almost 60 hours a week and dont have all day to read and write like I did on the race, I need to find another measure.
So I am still in San Francisco. I have 2 jobs that I love. I am making friends and have a great little network of quality people. Its almost Christmas and I get to go home for a while. Everything seems perfect. All of those blogs about wanting exactly this, the struggle to get here; now that life exists. And its actually strange. Its strange to get exactly what you want sometimes. Its also extremely easy to get prideful about the everything when all things seem to go your way. It re-establishes hard work = awesome rewards. I have to keep myself in check with that all the time. Its hard though ya know? I read a quote (imagine that) that said, " you earn your body ", and you do. The work you put into it comes out pound for pound. You can earn your jobs and money from hard work. You can earn your health by eating right and exercise. You can earn your friendships by establishing trust. But can you earn blessings? I honestly dont think so. Thats why its hard not to treat God the same. Everything else in our lives teach us to earn things and then here we come, screeching on the breaks trying to change our entire mentality.
Ive been really working on being more emotional. I still dont cry but I am more open. I have higher highs and lower lows and yes, I do feel bipolar, but I feel more normal too. I was working with a baby and took her toy away from her and she started bawling. I was like, really? its not a big deal, life will go on, they are just keys. But to her, it was all she wanted in the world. She had no idea if they would come back to her and she didnt know that it would all be ok. It made me realize how I skip those emotions by looking 10 steps ahead. From my experience, I know that everything will be ok. I know that there is more out there, that the disappointment's will only last for so long. But knowing that completely cancels out any need to feel the emotion of it. So I am trying to allow myself to feel things (though I am still not entirely sure why). It can really suck to be effected by things.
I have decided to apply to school next year and so that is going to be a whole new chapter. I miss writing and reading and thinking about things other than my ABC's and colors. I am also afraid to dive into something because I fear that half way into it I will be burn out or not like it anymore. If I keep going down the road I am I wont do anything for more than a year! Not good.
So hopefully I am back on here, writing my thoughts, just to myself. I am enjoying my life, I am enjoying my emotions, I am enjoying being human.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
just like child bearing....or so ive heard....
I just read a fellow racers blog and it said that spiritual growth is like child bearing. It is so hard when you go through it but when you get to the other side, you dont remember it and you only see the good, the product of all that struggle. I caught myself looking at the race routes in the future and thinking, man that would be cool to go on that one...then quickly saying NO WAY! haha
but its true. Sometimes I forget all the difficulty of the trip and remember how close to God I was and the strength of the community I was in. I miss the steep learning curve that I was basically climbing everyday. I look around my room and think to myself, man my life was different a few months ago. My priorities were different, my focus was different. I have been struggling a lot these past few weeks and find myself wishing it would just get easier. I feel like I havent ended my trip!
Its so hard to remember to stay focused on the good of the challenges when you are in them. They physically hurt and are emotionally exhausting and you think to yourself, how on earth could this be a good thing? But the truth is, the minute you are on the other side of the challenge, you forget the pain and are filled with joy and refreshment. Then ironically when you are in that good place for awhile, you wonder to yourself, why is there no challenge? Where's the struggle? Am I doing something wrong!?
Honestly, the only remedy for this grass is always greener on the other side of the circle is living for today. I heard a quote say that yesterday is dead and tomorrow has not been born yet. You are in today and all you can do is make today come alive.
I was reading a book about a refugee from Sudan and about all his struggles beyond our imagination and in his forward he says, "This book is a form of struggle, and it keeps my spirit alive to struggle." Without these challenges in our lives, our days turn on auto pilot and we begin to coast. We begin to become expectant and entitled. Too much ease makes Rachel a dull girl.
So after re-reading my depressing past blog about failure (clearly in the trenches of a pit), I renounce that failure. I have not failed. Measuring this experience on a scale of success and failure is completely wrong. I did what I felt I was supposed to do, and I am continuing to do today what I feel I should do. No more plans, just today. I am making today come alive and am looking for provision for this day only. Thank you Jesus for making it that easy.
but its true. Sometimes I forget all the difficulty of the trip and remember how close to God I was and the strength of the community I was in. I miss the steep learning curve that I was basically climbing everyday. I look around my room and think to myself, man my life was different a few months ago. My priorities were different, my focus was different. I have been struggling a lot these past few weeks and find myself wishing it would just get easier. I feel like I havent ended my trip!
Its so hard to remember to stay focused on the good of the challenges when you are in them. They physically hurt and are emotionally exhausting and you think to yourself, how on earth could this be a good thing? But the truth is, the minute you are on the other side of the challenge, you forget the pain and are filled with joy and refreshment. Then ironically when you are in that good place for awhile, you wonder to yourself, why is there no challenge? Where's the struggle? Am I doing something wrong!?
Honestly, the only remedy for this grass is always greener on the other side of the circle is living for today. I heard a quote say that yesterday is dead and tomorrow has not been born yet. You are in today and all you can do is make today come alive.
I was reading a book about a refugee from Sudan and about all his struggles beyond our imagination and in his forward he says, "This book is a form of struggle, and it keeps my spirit alive to struggle." Without these challenges in our lives, our days turn on auto pilot and we begin to coast. We begin to become expectant and entitled. Too much ease makes Rachel a dull girl.
So after re-reading my depressing past blog about failure (clearly in the trenches of a pit), I renounce that failure. I have not failed. Measuring this experience on a scale of success and failure is completely wrong. I did what I felt I was supposed to do, and I am continuing to do today what I feel I should do. No more plans, just today. I am making today come alive and am looking for provision for this day only. Thank you Jesus for making it that easy.
Friday, September 16, 2011
I miss Africa
I miss Africa.
I miss the simplicity of that place.
I miss fitting in with dirty, hole-y clothing.
I miss not caring what my hair looks like,
not caring who the actress is dating,
how fat I am.
I miss living day to day finding my own entertainment.
I miss the diet of rice and beans.
I miss fresh fruit from trees.
I miss not having money to deal with.
I miss sitting down with my neighbor,
making friends with strangers,
the red dirt.
I miss the simple life,
no front, no impressing, just the essentials.
I miss the blind acceptance.
the curiosity of strangers,
the friendly hellos.
I miss the realism of issues,
no beating around the bush, in the bush.
I miss the worship,
the urgency, the need,
the desperation.
I miss the faith.
I miss the day to day living.
I miss the trust.
I miss the simplicity that I found,
and have seemed to have lost.
I miss the simplicity of that place.
I miss fitting in with dirty, hole-y clothing.
I miss not caring what my hair looks like,
not caring who the actress is dating,
how fat I am.
I miss living day to day finding my own entertainment.
I miss the diet of rice and beans.
I miss fresh fruit from trees.
I miss not having money to deal with.
I miss sitting down with my neighbor,
making friends with strangers,
the red dirt.
I miss the simple life,
no front, no impressing, just the essentials.
I miss the blind acceptance.
the curiosity of strangers,
the friendly hellos.
I miss the realism of issues,
no beating around the bush, in the bush.
I miss the worship,
the urgency, the need,
the desperation.
I miss the faith.
I miss the day to day living.
I miss the trust.
I miss the simplicity that I found,
and have seemed to have lost.
one day i will look back on this....
So I am sitting here in my un furnished room on a friday night. I just paid for my car to be fixed and my rent for the month and my account is about on empty. I have been here in San Francisco for about a month and though Ive had some temporary work, no long term job has stuck. I am giving myself 2 more weeks to find something and then I have to make a change. I really dont want to but there will be nothing I can do about it.
I really want to stay up here and feel like this city is my home but if I cant find a way to support myself then I will have to leave. I truly believe that the Lord doesnt need to provide unitl He needs to. I dont mind being poor and struggling, I just want to make it in the end. And I have a confidence that in the end I will. Is that because everything else has worked out for me? What happens if it doesnt? I really dont know.
I hear alot of friends tell me that one day I will look back at these days of struggle and remember and maybe even laugh at the situation. I think that will happen eventually and I am at peace with whatever will happen, I am just depressed that there isnt really anything I can do about it. It sucks just to be stagnant and wait for whatever to happen to you, the passivity sucks. One needs to feel productive and purposeful and if you dont have that purpose, what do you have really?
It really sucks to transition into the real world. And when you see others ease into so easily its also frustrating. So all I can do is think, what can I learn from my situation? Ive always had things come rather easily to me (not to say that i am spoiled or have things handed to me) but I am used to getting what I try for. I am able to make happen things in my life and I am willing to work for them. What happens when you work for something with all of yourself and nothing comes of it? I guess you could call that failure. And what happens when there is nothing to learn from the situation? You meet failure at the bottom of the pit. You sit and it keeps you company. You chalk it up to alright, I tried my best and i am glad i tried because if i didnt, I would have always wondered, What if?
So what now? how do you swallow failure? Where do you go next? and how do you sit with it, without self medicating with alcohol, food, tv, sleep or anything else that distracts you?
i dont know.
I really want to stay up here and feel like this city is my home but if I cant find a way to support myself then I will have to leave. I truly believe that the Lord doesnt need to provide unitl He needs to. I dont mind being poor and struggling, I just want to make it in the end. And I have a confidence that in the end I will. Is that because everything else has worked out for me? What happens if it doesnt? I really dont know.
I hear alot of friends tell me that one day I will look back at these days of struggle and remember and maybe even laugh at the situation. I think that will happen eventually and I am at peace with whatever will happen, I am just depressed that there isnt really anything I can do about it. It sucks just to be stagnant and wait for whatever to happen to you, the passivity sucks. One needs to feel productive and purposeful and if you dont have that purpose, what do you have really?
It really sucks to transition into the real world. And when you see others ease into so easily its also frustrating. So all I can do is think, what can I learn from my situation? Ive always had things come rather easily to me (not to say that i am spoiled or have things handed to me) but I am used to getting what I try for. I am able to make happen things in my life and I am willing to work for them. What happens when you work for something with all of yourself and nothing comes of it? I guess you could call that failure. And what happens when there is nothing to learn from the situation? You meet failure at the bottom of the pit. You sit and it keeps you company. You chalk it up to alright, I tried my best and i am glad i tried because if i didnt, I would have always wondered, What if?
So what now? how do you swallow failure? Where do you go next? and how do you sit with it, without self medicating with alcohol, food, tv, sleep or anything else that distracts you?
i dont know.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
ya well....
i read a blog today about Joel Osteens new book, Make Every Day a Friday....or something like that. Then I read an excerpt from his book Your Best Life Now. He is such an amazing example of taking truth and tweaking it, changing the entire direction of his "godly" advice and pointing it in a completely wrong path down the road of deception.
He talks alot about having the expectant mind set. We are to have a large vision and be expectant for finiacial and all other blessings. I think we should be expectant, pray expectantly, but our promise from God isnt comfort and riches which is basically what Osteen says. Our best life isnt now because we have money and things.
Ive been listening to a pod cast on the song of solomon and I have claimed a new purpose for my life. My life goal every day is to mature in love for God and love for others. I see alot of my stumblings as immaturity in my love for God, not as inauthentic desire to follow Him. I am daily reminding myself that I do love God and my desire for Him, to please Him is real even though it may be weak. I am trying and I am human so many times what I see as a pathetic attempt God sees as something that brings Him emmense joy. As I read that I dont quite believe it.....I will re-read it unitl it sinks in....
I was laying in bed last night having a weird trip. I was like, where am I? What am I doing here? Did the race really happen? I just told myself that I may not know where I am, and nothing is familiar, but God is here and I know Him. just strange. I really do like it in San Fran, there is so much to do and see and experience but I am afraid of committment. If I get a job am I willing to stay here for at least 2 years? I mean honestly, why not? I have nowhere else to go. There isnt some magical place that exists where if I choose to stay there all of my wildest dreams will come true. I want to work towards something with my life. I dont want money to drive my life but its a reality.
I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO.
30 minutes later......
Basically I have this weird urgency (I guess thats a nice way of saying Im impatient) to do what I want to now. But this leaves out the down time with work, "mundane" day to day life, spending time not doing exactly what I want. I need to remember that this "mundane" part of life most definitely doesnt have to be boring and it gives me loads of preparation time to grow in character and love and ready me for the time in my life when the things I truly want to do will be what I am doing. NO time is a waste. Ya.
He talks alot about having the expectant mind set. We are to have a large vision and be expectant for finiacial and all other blessings. I think we should be expectant, pray expectantly, but our promise from God isnt comfort and riches which is basically what Osteen says. Our best life isnt now because we have money and things.
Ive been listening to a pod cast on the song of solomon and I have claimed a new purpose for my life. My life goal every day is to mature in love for God and love for others. I see alot of my stumblings as immaturity in my love for God, not as inauthentic desire to follow Him. I am daily reminding myself that I do love God and my desire for Him, to please Him is real even though it may be weak. I am trying and I am human so many times what I see as a pathetic attempt God sees as something that brings Him emmense joy. As I read that I dont quite believe it.....I will re-read it unitl it sinks in....
I was laying in bed last night having a weird trip. I was like, where am I? What am I doing here? Did the race really happen? I just told myself that I may not know where I am, and nothing is familiar, but God is here and I know Him. just strange. I really do like it in San Fran, there is so much to do and see and experience but I am afraid of committment. If I get a job am I willing to stay here for at least 2 years? I mean honestly, why not? I have nowhere else to go. There isnt some magical place that exists where if I choose to stay there all of my wildest dreams will come true. I want to work towards something with my life. I dont want money to drive my life but its a reality.
I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO.
30 minutes later......
Basically I have this weird urgency (I guess thats a nice way of saying Im impatient) to do what I want to now. But this leaves out the down time with work, "mundane" day to day life, spending time not doing exactly what I want. I need to remember that this "mundane" part of life most definitely doesnt have to be boring and it gives me loads of preparation time to grow in character and love and ready me for the time in my life when the things I truly want to do will be what I am doing. NO time is a waste. Ya.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
this is where i am at...
Well Ive been living in San Fran for about 2 weeks now and its going well. I am just sort of living life un directioned, just making it. I have an awesome place to live, i have had 3 interviews for jobs in the past 3 days and find out tomorrow what is going to happen. Man its hard to decide what to do with your life. There is such an abundance of avenues to go down, how do you know which one you want most? I am learning loads. I am learning to just let myself experience life without a plan and wow, I am actually pretty competent. I am not trying to sound prideful by any means but when i am on these interviews sometimes i am shocked with my answeres and my competency. I didnt know these things were in me and it is a pleasure to realize that they exist, that my experiences are paying off. Its is a blessing to see the purpose of your past experiences.
Of course I could be better at a lot of things, but when is that not truth? I am overwhelmed at my blessings and am just trying to ride the ride and enjoy it. I wake up every day and think to myself, why am I doing this? I really like it out here but it definitely is taking energy. but its good stuff.
I read a poem from a brennan manning book and it is this,
Father, because I am loved
and I love
I dont have to
explain myself to you.
I dont have to
excuse myself to you.
I dont have to
abase myself before you.
You know all about me,
and you call me friend.
You call me your delight.
You call me your beloved.
Because I am loved and I love
I need not lie prostrate
on my face before you.
I am free to run
into the circle of your waiting arms,
to enter the fullness of your embrace,
to be held
safely
strongly
securely
against your heart.
Because I am loved and I love,
I dont have to worry
about my response or lack of it.
I dont have to struggle
with my desire to understand.
I dont have to wrestle
with my feelings of unworthiness
All I have to do is be still,
stay close and let you love me into wholeness.
Father, sometimes its the hardest thing in the world
just to be still, stay close and let you love me.
But because I am loved and I love,
I try.
Her I am, Father.
Still, for once.
Closer than Ive ever been
Waiting.
Accepting.
Wanting.
Love me, Father.
Of course I could be better at a lot of things, but when is that not truth? I am overwhelmed at my blessings and am just trying to ride the ride and enjoy it. I wake up every day and think to myself, why am I doing this? I really like it out here but it definitely is taking energy. but its good stuff.
I read a poem from a brennan manning book and it is this,
Father, because I am loved
and I love
I dont have to
explain myself to you.
I dont have to
excuse myself to you.
I dont have to
abase myself before you.
You know all about me,
and you call me friend.
You call me your delight.
You call me your beloved.
Because I am loved and I love
I need not lie prostrate
on my face before you.
I am free to run
into the circle of your waiting arms,
to enter the fullness of your embrace,
to be held
safely
strongly
securely
against your heart.
Because I am loved and I love,
I dont have to worry
about my response or lack of it.
I dont have to struggle
with my desire to understand.
I dont have to wrestle
with my feelings of unworthiness
All I have to do is be still,
stay close and let you love me into wholeness.
Father, sometimes its the hardest thing in the world
just to be still, stay close and let you love me.
But because I am loved and I love,
I try.
Her I am, Father.
Still, for once.
Closer than Ive ever been
Waiting.
Accepting.
Wanting.
Love me, Father.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Awesome Birthday
Today is my birthday. It is a quiet day and I am doing everything I love to do. Writing, Barnes and Noble, Sunset Harbor House cheese fries. No crazy parties, birthday extravaganzas or crowds to walk through. I cried for the first time yesterday since Ive been back basically and I feel like I am being lifted out of this confusing fog.
How did I do it? By surrounding myself in worship music, accepting my emotions and uniqueness and redirecting my desires.
Thank you Lord for the moments when we begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
My new years resolutions for being 26:
Accept surprises
Respect what I desire
stay active
cry
try and fail and be okay
never watch real housewives
stay on the front lines
not let the world dictate how i live
thats all i got.
I am just so relieved to take off these ill fitting shoes and shop for the ones made for me :)
How did I do it? By surrounding myself in worship music, accepting my emotions and uniqueness and redirecting my desires.
Thank you Lord for the moments when we begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
My new years resolutions for being 26:
Accept surprises
Respect what I desire
stay active
cry
try and fail and be okay
never watch real housewives
stay on the front lines
not let the world dictate how i live
thats all i got.
I am just so relieved to take off these ill fitting shoes and shop for the ones made for me :)
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