one day i will look back on this....

So I am sitting here in my un furnished room on a friday night. I just paid for my car to be fixed and my rent for the month and my account is about on empty. I have been here in San Francisco for about a month and though Ive had some temporary work, no long term job has stuck. I am giving myself 2 more weeks to find something and then I have to make a change. I really dont want to but there will be nothing I can do about it.

I really want to stay up here and feel like this city is my home but if I cant find a way to support myself then I will have to leave. I truly believe that the Lord doesnt need to provide unitl He needs to. I dont mind being poor and struggling, I just want to make it in the end. And I have a confidence that in the end I will. Is that because everything else has worked out for me? What happens if it doesnt? I really dont know.

I hear alot of friends tell me that one day I will look back at these days of struggle and remember and maybe even laugh at the situation. I think that will happen eventually and I am at peace with whatever will happen, I am just depressed that there isnt really anything I can do about it. It sucks just to be stagnant and wait for whatever to happen to you, the passivity sucks. One needs to feel productive and purposeful and if you dont have that purpose, what do you have really?

It really sucks to transition into the real world. And when you see others ease into so easily its also frustrating. So all I can do is think, what can I learn from my situation? Ive always had things come rather easily to me (not to say that i am spoiled or have things handed to me) but I am used to getting what I try for. I am able to make happen things in my life and I am willing to work for them. What happens when you work for something with all of yourself and nothing comes of it? I guess you could call that failure. And what happens when there is nothing to learn from the situation? You meet failure at the bottom of the pit. You sit and it keeps you company. You chalk it up to alright, I tried my best and i am glad i tried because if i didnt, I would have always wondered, What if?

So what now? how do you swallow failure? Where do you go next? and how do you sit with it, without self medicating with alcohol, food, tv, sleep or anything else that distracts you?

i dont know.