Need Shmeed....

Ive been at a loss lately about why  my relationship with God is feeling like its laying in ruins. I see the rubble and know that I need to start rebuilding, to put the hammer down but for some reason its too hard these days. So I continue to keep knocking things down because its easier to do that than it is to asses the damage and rebuild. A perfect example is my room. Its been messy for weeks but I havent stopped to clean it. I pick up a few things and then walk over the rest. Just going in there with the thought of having to clean it all up makes me anxious.
I guess I have come to realize that I have completely forgotten my need for God. When you forget your need for Him, you forget everything else. Domino effect. If I dont need Him, I dont talk to Him, read about Him, pray to Him or seek His counsel. I begin to forget His goodness, forget who I am in Him, and He becomes this strange distant figure. Then I start to forget the reason I ever believed in Him to begin with. People dont turn away from God in a day, its a slow process full of many choices and you wake up one day on this strange path and realize you are lost.
I feel like I wake up in this lost place a lot faster than I used to, my pits dont go quite as deep but I am very aware of the shovel I have tightly clasped in my hands ready to use. I feel like Ive woken up now and I am just paralyzed looking around. I feel tired and the path back towards God is up a cliff and the path of my own control is a fun slide with no friction.
I realize when I give up and let God come in, accepting His grace and help (it makes me cringe to even write this) this image of the cliff is a mirage. Its lie to keep me paralyzed and stagnant. With God, I am carried up the cliff, the only hard part is becoming vulnerable enough to let Him hold me. When I stare at the cliff and begin to plan all the things I am going to change in my life and resolutions I want to make to ensure I become this perfect controlled person, the cliff is no longer a mirage but a reality. That is a difficult path to choose and I smell burn out already and I havent even begun. Which brings me back to Need. Once I take a knife to my pride and accept that I cant do this alone, that I need help to even move an inch and throw away this goal I have for my future self as a cookie cutter perfectly composed righteous person if only I work hard enough, I think renewing can begin.

Romans 12:2
...be transformed by the renewing of your mind...